12

[joker jr.]

revenge is mine

12 people will die tonight



now I've woken,been reborn
though I have just until dawn
I remember every face,spirits show me every place

first one sleeps inside his bed,place my fingers on his head
to each temple push and smother,till my fingers touch each other


next one makes love to his wife,I only wish to take his life
for his family has done no wrong,place his children on the lawn
tell the mrs. leave the room,less she wish to witness doom
grab the filthy squirming goat,and shove the dresser down his throat

I must quickly use my gift
next one works the midnight shift,
drinking coffee in the back,I will listen to them chat
hear them speaking of my death,hear the laughter in their breath
but the laughter quickly died,when their heads collide

now my anger's growing worse
next ones working as a nurse
have to make a doctors call,drag my body down the hall
grab a scaple and a blade,time to play the nurses aid
operate then strap her down,carve her face into a clown


killed another then three more,now we're down to only four

this man drives a taxi cab,another wicked life to grab,
screaming that he thought I died,let's go for a taxi ride...
in the wreck of twisted steel,the steering wheel becomes his meal


even though there's just one left I feel my bones becoming stiff
and now I wonder endlessly,the spirits have abandon me
and I'm falling piece by piece,my ears and fingers in the street
but still yet see no morning light,but here's my victim's early run

quickly grab him from behind,round his neck with fishing twine
keep him still and pull the string,and watch his head go bobbling

listen to my riddle song,even though my crime was wrong,murder me just for you law,and I'll be back for all of yall!

[joker jr.]

so,what did you think? good enough?

[Nihilistic Weasel]

Not bad, some very forced rhymes, you might try re-writing once or twice, but it's got a good flow...

[joker jr.]

how do you mean?

[Nihilistic Weasel]

Well I'll give you examples:

Line:now my anger's growing worse
next ones working as a nurse

Anger's growing worse... yes it does rhyme with nurse, but so does curse, purse, verse, hearse, REverse... just seems, like I said, forced

Line: keep him still and pull the string,and watch his head go bobbling

Bobbling, does have the right syllable and timing with it's "ing" to rhyme with string, however really seems like that was the first attempt at that line, like you were getting close to the end and eager to finish. Lots of possibilities to tighten that one up...

There's a few others, but now that you know what I mean, try re wrting it, but don't take the first rhyme that comes to mind

[joker jr.]

well,about the nurse thing,if I didn't use that,it would have f**ked up that whole paragraph.

and I couldn't think of anything that meant that his head came off with an ing at the end.

[Nihilistic Weasel]

I think it could work, I won't bother with suggestions. You posted here because you obviously want people to read it.

No need to explain it to me.