Dr. Craven the magician
08-17-2003, 11:36 PM
<center>IT'S THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, CHARLIE BROWN!</center>
As the scene opens, Charlie Brown is approaching Snoopy's doghouse with a dog dish in his hand. He looks forelorn, having been rejected by the "little red haired girl" for the thousanth time over a nearly forty year span of time.
Charlie Brown: Snoopy! Supper time!
He leans down, inspecting the interior of the doghouse. Frowning, he looks on top of the doghouse, then on all sides.
Charlie Brown: Come on, Snoopy. It's supper time! When we were on Broadway that not only brought you running, but it had you breaking into song!
Before the the kid with the big, round, bald head with a squiggle in the front serving as a suggestion of hair can say another thing or express another badly animated emotion, something falls from the sky, hitting him squarly between the eyes. He falls flat on the ground. Little badly animated wisps of smoke rise from his body, indicating he has been knocked unconcious.
Lucy, looking as bitchy as a forty-year-old suffering the first pangs of menopause even though she's supposed to be seven enters from stage left. She looks down at Charlie Brown and frowns.
Lucy: Oh, Charlie Brown! You're the Charlie Browniest!
Charlie Brown: (coming around slowly, as indicated by some badly animated swirling lines over his head) Wha...? What happened?
Lucy: Somebody has hacked up your stupid dog, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown: MY dog?
Charlie Brown lifts the thing that hit him in the head, which has been lying at his side. He holds it in front of his face. It's his dog, Snoopy's, head, which has been neatly sheared off at the neck. Charlie Brown does a typical cartoon "take" in reaction.
Charlie Brown: Snoo...Snoo...Snoopy?
Lucy (bitchy and annoyed) There's parts of him all over the place, Charlie Brown. He came flying out of...that place!
Lucy does a 190 degree turn and points off camera to the left. Charlie Brown follows the gesture. Then he does a badly animated double "take."
Charlie Brown: You mean the house where the strange people who used to work at the slaughter house live?
Lucy: Yes.
Charlie Brown: You mean the place Linus went to hand out watch tower literature and never came back from?
Lucy: Well, we did find an inch-wide blood-stained patch of his stupid blanket in the bushes, Charlie Brown, but yes. That place.
Charlie Brown: Oh, gosh! You mean Snoopy went THERE?
Lucy: Yes. And the little red haired bitch...err...I mean GIRL went with him!
Charlie Brown slaps his forehead with his right hand in a badly animated gesture.
Charlie Brown: Not the little red haired girl! She might be in danger! We have to help her, Lucy.
Lucy: (scowling) Oh, all right, Charlie Brown. But only because I have nothing better to do, and I'm drawn as being too young to have PMS, even though everyone knows I've been having it for the past four decades.
Charlie Brown: Huh?
Lucy: (shaking her head) Nothing.
Charlie Brown and Lucy begin walking stage left. A badly drawn stone wall in the foreground covers their lower torso. The wall seems to last forever, even though due to budget considerations, the same six stones are seen passing over and over again.
Charlie Brown: You don't think that the weird neighbors, who are never seen but always have this dead and rotting smell coming from their house and always have these really big barbecues everytime a new mailman shows up and then disappears had anything to do with Snoopy and the little red haired girl, do you?
Lucy: (turning with an outstretched palm) Advice, five cents.
Charlie Brown: (shaking his head while muttering under his breath) Mercenary bitch.
Lucy: (Turning with an expression on her face that would melt lead) What did you say?
Charlie Brown: Err...Look! I think it's the Blair Witch!
Lucy turns and continues to walk with Charlie Brown in her wake. Soon, they reach a strange, eerily silent farm house. Lucy turns to Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown stares at Lucy, then at the farm house. He gulps hard in an exaggerated, badly animated gesture.
Lucy: (with her hands on her hips in a REALLY bitchy gesture) Are you going in, Charlie Brown?
Charlie Brown: (turning pure white) Well...I...ahhh...errr...welll....
Lucy: What's the matter? Chicken?
Charlie Brown: Well...ah...ummm...errr...
Lucy: (reaching out and shaking Charlie Brown) They hacked up Linus! They hacked up Snoopy, Charlie Brown! They have the little red haired girl! Are you going to let them get away with it?
Charlie Brown: Well..err...ahhh...ummmm...errr...
Lucy slaps him. Charlie Brown's head turns all the way around like a school globe. He reaches out with both hands to catch and stop it.
Charlie Brown: Thanks, Lucy. I needed that.
Lucy: (pointing toward the house) Go get them, Charlie Brown! The little red haired girl is counting on you!
Charlie Brown: (pounding his fist into his hand in a badly animated gesture indicating determination) I'll go all right. And I will save that little red haired girl. And then she'll notice me. Then she'll like me. Then she'll talk to me. Why, when she sees how brave I am, she might even want to hold my hand and...
Lucy slaps him again.
Lucy: Just go do it!
Charlie Brown stares at Lucy. Then he turns and stares at the house. Then, with an exaggerated, determined look, he walks to the left, off camera. The scene changes perspective. Lucy is in the extreme foreground. Her back is turned to the camera as she watches Charlie Brown walk with shaky legs toward the front porch of the weird house. He stops on the porch, turns, and looks at Lucy. She raises a hand and waves him on. Turning, he opens the front door of the weird house and goes inside.
Close up on Lucy.
Lucy: (wiping her forehead) Blockhead! Good! That's the last we'll see of good old Charlie Brown. With him, that blanket totting biblical wimp Linus and that infuriating leg-humping dillusional dog Snoopy out of the way, I'll be screwing Shroeder on top of his stupid piano in no time! I'll have him using that stupid bust of Beetoven as a dildo! Why...
Suddenly, the air is pierced with the sound of a gasoline engine firing up. The whinny sound is like a lawnmover..or...a chainsaw!
Close up on Lucy's terrified face.
Medium shot of the house as the door explodes outward. Close up on a nightmarish adult figure with a grotesque mask seemingly made of human skin. Zoom back to show the chainsaw he's holding. He thrusts it forward in a gesture toward Lucy.
Lucy begins to run to the right. The same six bricks on the wall in the foreground flash past. The chainsaw weilding maniac behind her is catching up, growing ever closer.
Lucy runs toward a pile of orange and brown leafs piled under a badly drawn tree. She trips over a football that had been lying hidden beneath them.
Lucy: (lifting the football before her eyes) Stupid football! Why...it's Charlie Brown's football!
Suddenly she turns in terror as she realizes that the masked, chainsaw weiling manic is standing in front of her. She screams and tries to get up. The chainsaw maniac slashes downward, cutting off her leg.
Lucy: Hey! What did you do that for? Now everyone is going to have to call me peg!
The maniac slashes with his chainsaw again, first cutting off her other leg, then both her arms and finally her head. Then he proceeds to slice and dice the rest of her into bits the size of peanuts.
He steps back, covered in the splattered blood of his innocent victim and turns off his chainsaw. He tosses it aside. Then, with one deft -- albeit badly animated -- move, he whips off his mask. Charlie Brown's face is revealed in sudden, pointless lightening.
The camera zooms back as Charlie Brown unbuttons his long coat. As the lightening flashes (once again, for no particular reason other than dramatic effect) Charlie Brown is seen to be sitting on Linus' shoulders, who, in turn, is sitting on Shroeder's shoulders.
Charlie Brown: Pull that damn football out from under me, will you?
Linus: Call my blanket stupid, will you?
Shroeder: Me? On MY piano? I'd turn gay first!
Charlie Brown and Linus jump down. Facing each other, Charlie Brown, Linus and Shroeder jump up and do a high five. Then turn and point at the tiny, bloody remains of Lucy.
Charile Brown, Linus, Shroeder: (Simultaneously) Bitch!
They walk away, laughing, as the familiar strains of a piano play and the credits roll.
Fade to black
It's only magic...if you believe...
As the scene opens, Charlie Brown is approaching Snoopy's doghouse with a dog dish in his hand. He looks forelorn, having been rejected by the "little red haired girl" for the thousanth time over a nearly forty year span of time.
Charlie Brown: Snoopy! Supper time!
He leans down, inspecting the interior of the doghouse. Frowning, he looks on top of the doghouse, then on all sides.
Charlie Brown: Come on, Snoopy. It's supper time! When we were on Broadway that not only brought you running, but it had you breaking into song!
Before the the kid with the big, round, bald head with a squiggle in the front serving as a suggestion of hair can say another thing or express another badly animated emotion, something falls from the sky, hitting him squarly between the eyes. He falls flat on the ground. Little badly animated wisps of smoke rise from his body, indicating he has been knocked unconcious.
Lucy, looking as bitchy as a forty-year-old suffering the first pangs of menopause even though she's supposed to be seven enters from stage left. She looks down at Charlie Brown and frowns.
Lucy: Oh, Charlie Brown! You're the Charlie Browniest!
Charlie Brown: (coming around slowly, as indicated by some badly animated swirling lines over his head) Wha...? What happened?
Lucy: Somebody has hacked up your stupid dog, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown: MY dog?
Charlie Brown lifts the thing that hit him in the head, which has been lying at his side. He holds it in front of his face. It's his dog, Snoopy's, head, which has been neatly sheared off at the neck. Charlie Brown does a typical cartoon "take" in reaction.
Charlie Brown: Snoo...Snoo...Snoopy?
Lucy (bitchy and annoyed) There's parts of him all over the place, Charlie Brown. He came flying out of...that place!
Lucy does a 190 degree turn and points off camera to the left. Charlie Brown follows the gesture. Then he does a badly animated double "take."
Charlie Brown: You mean the house where the strange people who used to work at the slaughter house live?
Lucy: Yes.
Charlie Brown: You mean the place Linus went to hand out watch tower literature and never came back from?
Lucy: Well, we did find an inch-wide blood-stained patch of his stupid blanket in the bushes, Charlie Brown, but yes. That place.
Charlie Brown: Oh, gosh! You mean Snoopy went THERE?
Lucy: Yes. And the little red haired bitch...err...I mean GIRL went with him!
Charlie Brown slaps his forehead with his right hand in a badly animated gesture.
Charlie Brown: Not the little red haired girl! She might be in danger! We have to help her, Lucy.
Lucy: (scowling) Oh, all right, Charlie Brown. But only because I have nothing better to do, and I'm drawn as being too young to have PMS, even though everyone knows I've been having it for the past four decades.
Charlie Brown: Huh?
Lucy: (shaking her head) Nothing.
Charlie Brown and Lucy begin walking stage left. A badly drawn stone wall in the foreground covers their lower torso. The wall seems to last forever, even though due to budget considerations, the same six stones are seen passing over and over again.
Charlie Brown: You don't think that the weird neighbors, who are never seen but always have this dead and rotting smell coming from their house and always have these really big barbecues everytime a new mailman shows up and then disappears had anything to do with Snoopy and the little red haired girl, do you?
Lucy: (turning with an outstretched palm) Advice, five cents.
Charlie Brown: (shaking his head while muttering under his breath) Mercenary bitch.
Lucy: (Turning with an expression on her face that would melt lead) What did you say?
Charlie Brown: Err...Look! I think it's the Blair Witch!
Lucy turns and continues to walk with Charlie Brown in her wake. Soon, they reach a strange, eerily silent farm house. Lucy turns to Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown stares at Lucy, then at the farm house. He gulps hard in an exaggerated, badly animated gesture.
Lucy: (with her hands on her hips in a REALLY bitchy gesture) Are you going in, Charlie Brown?
Charlie Brown: (turning pure white) Well...I...ahhh...errr...welll....
Lucy: What's the matter? Chicken?
Charlie Brown: Well...ah...ummm...errr...
Lucy: (reaching out and shaking Charlie Brown) They hacked up Linus! They hacked up Snoopy, Charlie Brown! They have the little red haired girl! Are you going to let them get away with it?
Charlie Brown: Well..err...ahhh...ummmm...errr...
Lucy slaps him. Charlie Brown's head turns all the way around like a school globe. He reaches out with both hands to catch and stop it.
Charlie Brown: Thanks, Lucy. I needed that.
Lucy: (pointing toward the house) Go get them, Charlie Brown! The little red haired girl is counting on you!
Charlie Brown: (pounding his fist into his hand in a badly animated gesture indicating determination) I'll go all right. And I will save that little red haired girl. And then she'll notice me. Then she'll like me. Then she'll talk to me. Why, when she sees how brave I am, she might even want to hold my hand and...
Lucy slaps him again.
Lucy: Just go do it!
Charlie Brown stares at Lucy. Then he turns and stares at the house. Then, with an exaggerated, determined look, he walks to the left, off camera. The scene changes perspective. Lucy is in the extreme foreground. Her back is turned to the camera as she watches Charlie Brown walk with shaky legs toward the front porch of the weird house. He stops on the porch, turns, and looks at Lucy. She raises a hand and waves him on. Turning, he opens the front door of the weird house and goes inside.
Close up on Lucy.
Lucy: (wiping her forehead) Blockhead! Good! That's the last we'll see of good old Charlie Brown. With him, that blanket totting biblical wimp Linus and that infuriating leg-humping dillusional dog Snoopy out of the way, I'll be screwing Shroeder on top of his stupid piano in no time! I'll have him using that stupid bust of Beetoven as a dildo! Why...
Suddenly, the air is pierced with the sound of a gasoline engine firing up. The whinny sound is like a lawnmover..or...a chainsaw!
Close up on Lucy's terrified face.
Medium shot of the house as the door explodes outward. Close up on a nightmarish adult figure with a grotesque mask seemingly made of human skin. Zoom back to show the chainsaw he's holding. He thrusts it forward in a gesture toward Lucy.
Lucy begins to run to the right. The same six bricks on the wall in the foreground flash past. The chainsaw weilding maniac behind her is catching up, growing ever closer.
Lucy runs toward a pile of orange and brown leafs piled under a badly drawn tree. She trips over a football that had been lying hidden beneath them.
Lucy: (lifting the football before her eyes) Stupid football! Why...it's Charlie Brown's football!
Suddenly she turns in terror as she realizes that the masked, chainsaw weiling manic is standing in front of her. She screams and tries to get up. The chainsaw maniac slashes downward, cutting off her leg.
Lucy: Hey! What did you do that for? Now everyone is going to have to call me peg!
The maniac slashes with his chainsaw again, first cutting off her other leg, then both her arms and finally her head. Then he proceeds to slice and dice the rest of her into bits the size of peanuts.
He steps back, covered in the splattered blood of his innocent victim and turns off his chainsaw. He tosses it aside. Then, with one deft -- albeit badly animated -- move, he whips off his mask. Charlie Brown's face is revealed in sudden, pointless lightening.
The camera zooms back as Charlie Brown unbuttons his long coat. As the lightening flashes (once again, for no particular reason other than dramatic effect) Charlie Brown is seen to be sitting on Linus' shoulders, who, in turn, is sitting on Shroeder's shoulders.
Charlie Brown: Pull that damn football out from under me, will you?
Linus: Call my blanket stupid, will you?
Shroeder: Me? On MY piano? I'd turn gay first!
Charlie Brown and Linus jump down. Facing each other, Charlie Brown, Linus and Shroeder jump up and do a high five. Then turn and point at the tiny, bloody remains of Lucy.
Charile Brown, Linus, Shroeder: (Simultaneously) Bitch!
They walk away, laughing, as the familiar strains of a piano play and the credits roll.
Fade to black
It's only magic...if you believe...