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joker jr.
11-27-2007, 11:37 AM
He stands outside the school, no shirt on. it's in the November month, and very cold out. He then hurries to get inside the school. He gets inside and rubs his tattoo-covered arms and looks around, then walks into an empty classroom. As he's looking around the room, he hears a noise in the closet, and walks over to investigate. He throws the door open to find two bottles of chemicals laying on the floor-one labeled "Ammonia" the other labeled "Bleach". When the bottles spilled, the chemicals mixed together on the floor. He then starts getting dizzy, and has a strange taste in his mouth. He collapses onto the floor, his face falling right into the chemicals. After a short time, his heart rate slows down drastically, then after a few seconds stops. He stops breathing. Then the liquid that splashed when he fell in them formed a message: "7 minutes".

As he lay on the floor, 6 minutes pass by.. then, minute 7 hits. His brain starts to die..

He then opens his eyes and is temporarily blinded by a bright white light. He puts his arms in front of his face, attempting to block the light. His eyes soon adjust, and in the bright, foggy distance he can see 4 figures moving toward him. As they get closer, he can see slight features. one of them is very fat, one of them is a female, one of them has a slightly deformed shape to his head, and the one in the middle has strange spiky hair, somewhat resembling... nails.

"W-who are you?" He said with fright.
As they got closer, he could then see their horrific features: They're all wearing very strangely designed leather. The fat one has almost rotten skin, a huge lengthwise hole in his stomach, and very eerie round-rim sunglasses. The woman has as skintone of blue-ish white, and wire connected to her shoulders going into her neck. The one with the strange shape to his head has his mouth stretched very wide open with hooks, and his face so stretched out that his nose is flat against his skull, and his eyes are covered- up with skin stretching to opposite sides of his head. and the one in the middle has skin as white as the area around, and the spiky hair really is large rusty nails.
The one with the spikes in his head starts to speak in a very deep voice: "We are the Cenobites. We represent the worlds of Pain and Pleasure. Or, as you would normally call them, Heaven and Hell.
First, we must go over some things in your life, and then decide what to do with you. We will allow you to roam the earth for 3 days while we make our decision."
The female Cenobite then walked up to him, put her hand on his forehead, and he suddenly woke up on the floor of the closet in the classroom. He got up quickly, ran to one of the bathrooms and washed the chemicals off of his face. by this time, the bleach had taken off a few layers of skin, but right now he didn't much care about that.
He stared into the mirror above the sink and thought hard about what he had just seen. He thought about what they said, that he had 3 days to live while they decided "What to do with him"...



that's as far as I've gotten..
any suggestions?

Red Hot
11-27-2007, 12:15 PM
Hot damn, JJ! This is very horrifying exciting reading! Write on!!

vampirexpsycho
04-09-2008, 01:52 PM
Woah, the story is awesome so far. But I've a suggestions if you don't mind; try to describe more the main character's feelings. It can make the story more exciting. =)

Horrorman
04-09-2008, 06:25 PM
Some advice from an old story teller. Who is the main character? You have to describe the main character more ,for readers to care what happens to him or her. It sounds more like your reporting a story rather than writing one. Do not get me wrong. I admire anyone who is willing to write instead of playing X-box all day. You have to take time to embelish the characters and make the reader feel like he or she is right there in the story with you. Keep at it and good luck.

joker jr.
04-11-2008, 05:59 PM
I know.
I never put much effort into it, nor had any intention to. I never intended to finish it, either. Lol.

I just kind of abandoned it and started over with different ones.